WWE Monday Night Raw Thoughts: 4/2/2012

The prodigal son has returned....I don't need to say much more than that.  For fucks sake it's BROCK FUCKING LESNAR!!!! I can't really put this night into words.....but for the sake of the GN9NEZWWE faithful, I sure as hell will try. 





Following a memorable Wrestlemania event, what will now be known as the "Johnny Era", has officially begun.  So it's only fitting that they open the show with the entire WWE locker room being addressed by the new General Manager of both Raw and Smackdown, John Laurinaitis. 

The MVPs of Team Johnny anxiously await their reward

He announces that tonight we will see a triple threat match for the United States Championship!  Dolph Ziggler is involved....I'm officially interested.  CM Punk, having no respect for authority whatsoever, calls Johnny a massive toolbox...understatement of the year!  Big Johnny, having no respect for anyone, doesn't react well to insults so he informs Punk that he will have to defend his WWE Championship against Mark Henry....already, I like where this show is going.



Coming off of the Raw intro, there is an undeniable buzz in the air.  A obvious result of many a smart mark apparently knowing of tonight's massive return beforehand.  Thank GOD I don't ever read that crap, it made the moment all the more memorable for me.  Back to the show, we've got a very hot Miami crowd that wants to be entertained.  So who shall entertain thee?



IF YOU SMEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL....WHAT THE ROCK....IS COOKIN'

The Great One has some ass to kiss

The Rock is as confident as ever after his big win last night over John Cena.  So confident, that he now has no problem giving Cena all the praise in the world.  I didn't mind it much, but it came off as a bit phony, giving the fact that the heat between them has magically faded in one night....meh.  I will say that through all of this, I am happy that Rock came back.  I've shit on him a bit, but I had a ton of fun doing it and the payoff was more than satisfying for me.  That being said, the interesting part of this segment is the fact that he announced that his next goal is to become WWE Champion once again.  I wonder how this will play out....only time will tell....and when that time comes, I'll be waiting.

Match 1:: United States Championship match: Santino Marella vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Jack Swagger

I was pretty into this match mostly due to Dolph Ziggler doing his best to bring the awesome.  However, I do think it's total bullshit that he has fallen so far since January.  It just seems that they always build Ziggler up to bring him back down again.  Santino is the man of the hour these days so it's not surprise that he retains here tonight after some shenanigans.  A decent opening match, but I was tremendously annoyed with the whole Brodus Clay sized dump they took over Ziggler and Swagger afterwards.  Especially with the bad taste his racist segment from Wrestlemania left in my mouth.


Match Rating: ***



Lord Tensai (A-Train) has finally arrived.....and man is he ready to fight...

Match 2: Lord Tensai vs. Alex (who?) Riley

OK, I know it's probably a let down to some people that it's A-Train and not a new Japanese superstar...

To his credit, he does have a bit of an Japanese look to him...and if you're not digging the 'stash, I'm fully convinced you don't know the meaning of the word awesome

Alex Riley gets destroyed here and rightfully so.  Say what you want about the WWE, but they usually handle debuts very effectively.  This one was no different.  I really enjoyed the whole gimmick (and the manager who looks oddly like Jet Li to me) and the match itself was more than impressive IMO.  I loved the idea of having the ref stop the match before Riley didn't have an ass left to kick.  Great work was done here.  Lord Tensai has arrived and everyone has taken notice.


Match Rating: **1/4

Match 3:: WWE Championship match: CM Punk(c) vs. Mark Henry

Wow, this match was great!  I loved every second of it from the storytelling to the amazing crowd gasping for air whenever Punk hit a high spot, to the brilliant post match promo from Johnny Ace and assault by Chris Jericho.

It burns so good

Great segment from beginning to end.  So much win going on here it's scary.  Punk gave us his billionth great match since becoming champion, Jericho is 100% back to being the WWE's evil genius and Mark Henry is a fucking monster again! Win, Win, and Win.  I'm loving this episode so far!  Look for this match and post match beat down to make the WWE's Best of 2012 DVD.


Match Rating: ****1/4 (Yeah, it was THAT good)



I dug that Sheamus is getting the "we like you, but we LOVE Daniel Bryan", treatment tonight.  Bryan definitely deserved much more than what he got in that humiliating match at Wrestlemania.  He knows it, Sheamus knows it and now WWE management knows it as well.  The people have spoken....now GIVE DANIEL BRYAN HIS BELT BACK!


Oh, and how could I forget the return of our favorite Mexican Aristocrat...

SI! SI! SI!

I don't know why people hate this guy so much.  I'm a huge Del Rio fan.  Yeah, I know he's no CM Punk on the mic, but the guy is a great worker and has charisma in spades.  I thought he completely stole Sheamus' moment here.  Even if selling the ear made the Brogue Kick look a bit ineffective.  I'm also very intrigued with where Daniel Bryan's storyline will go from here, especially given the fact that he kind of owned this whole segment without the use of words.

Match 4: Cody Rhodes vs. Kofi Kingston

This match would have been a complete throwaway if Big Show's involvement wasn't executed so well.  I thought the segment as a whole did a great job of keeping the heat between them alive.  The match itself?  Not so much.  Gotta say I would like some real matches between these two.  BOOK IT WWE!


Match Rating: *



I'm a HUGE fan of managers so I was really into Abraham Washington offering his "services" to Mark Henry.  I'm already a Henry fan, but adding a slick talking mouthpiece to his intimidating presence....or "muscle to his hustle" or what have you, it a brilliant idea in my book.   Could you imagine how dangerous Bane could be with The Joker pulling his strings?  Great idea.  Keep em' comin'. 

Stick with me Big Guy and we'll go straight to the top!

Eve's terribly awkward promo made me cringe...thank goodness she's a feast for the eyes.

Match 5: The Miz vs. Zack Ryder

So Mark Henry gets a WWE title match, but Miz is rewarded with a match with Zack Ryder?  I thought this was a bit of a missfire, but not a 'show ruiner' or anything like that.  I still enjoyed the match even if Zack Ryder's momentum has been effectively killed.  Don't worry Zack this is the WWE, you can bounce back.  Just ask your opponent.  This time last month, The Miz was jobbing out to everyone in sight.  Look at him now.  You'll be back kid. WWWYKI.


Match Rating: **1/4



Last but far from least, the greatest and most gratifying end to an episode of WWE Raw in a long time...

You're time may no longer be now....

John Cena arrives and at first, I was let down by his overall submission to The Rock and it was almost depressing to watch.  Little did I know that I would shit my pants in the next 10 minutes.  Cena rants about how the better man won at Wrestlemania and that he's OK with it and he'll bounce back better than ever...yadda yadda yadda....



Okay now for the moment that practically makes everything else I just wrote about entirely insignificant....three words...BROCK FUCKING LESNAR!!!  I don't care what anyone says, THIS WAS ONE OF THE ALL TIME GREATEST MARK OUT MOMENTS IN THE HISTORY OF PRO WRESTLING!!!  I literally erupted in my living room along with everyone else in attendance!  I was doing Brock's whole entrance, basking in the greatness of what will go down as one of the biggest shockers in WWE history!!!  Fuck Cena's promo, and screw pretty much everything that isn't named Brock Lesnar...this was his night and it was so surreal that I'm still reeling from it almost four hours later.  Goosebumps.  Just fuckin' awesome!!!  Cena extends a hand to Lesnar and Lesnar shakes his hand as if to say "sure ol' buddy ol' pal, it's PG now, things are different, let's be friends".  Ah, what a great world we live in when we could let bygones be bygones and just--


If you agree and are happy with those last two sentences, then Please do me a favor and kill yourself...


Brock doesn't shake hands, Brock doesn't give a shit about friendship...why?  Because he's BROCK FUCKING LESNAR that's why.  No I won't shake your hand, you goof but I will give you an F5!!!!


Thank you sir, may he have another?  Man, that was awesome!  The fucking roof blew off the place....even the crowd couldn't help screaming, "HOLY SHIT!!!"....it was wrestling nirvana and I could go on about this segment all night long, but I'll try to sum it up simply by saying,

Brock Lesnar is back...


HERE COMES THE PAIN







Overall episode rating: 10 (PERFECTION)


What to watch if you DVR'd the episode: I wouldn't recommend you miss anything about this show.  From beginning to end, it was one of the greatest episodes of Monday Night Raw ever Attitude Era included.  There were some great matches, loads of awesome segments and the crowd was on fire most of the night.  If you've yet to watch it.  STOP READING AND TURN ON YOUR DVR!!!!


NOW!!!!