CM Punk is today's gold standard, but where does he rank amongst my all time favorites?
Welcome to part one of a very unique edition of the ESSENTIALS. Talking trash has become one of the most underrated art forms in the world of sport, but to us wrestling fans, it's damn near the most essential tool to getting over. There is absolutely NO better way to connect with fans and build hype for a match than on the microphone. That being said, only a select few men were so good on the stick, they made every other talent nervous anytime they were caught in the crosshairs. What follows is part one in a recollection of such great talent based on the consistency, timing, quotables and ability to cut memorable and believable promos without batting an eyelash. In part two, I will post a video of one of each wrestler's most famous promos. Now I know that after the WWE posted their top 25, seemingly everyone has done a "best of the best" list. However, these are the top ten talented talkers who captivate me personally. When these men pick up a mic, I always listen. And whether or not you agree, I promise you, this will be the most unique list of mic men you'll find around the net. Enjoy.
Honorable Mentions - Bray Wyatt, John Cena, Daniel Bryan, Triple H, Terry Funk, The Undertaker, Kane, Jimmy Hart, Edge, Kevin Steen, Shawn Michaels, Kurt Angle, JBL, Raven, The Miz, Ted Dibiase Sr., Bobby Heenan, Paul Heyman, Randy Savage, Vince McMahon, Hulk Hogan, Mick Foley, Randy Savage & Nick Bockwinkle.
10. Mark Henry - Too soon? Not for me. You see for 15 years or so, Henry was just another overhyped big man due to his impressive strength and size. Then in 2011, everything changed. Henry won the world title and cut one of the most memorable promos I've ever witnessed. He's been absolute gold on the mic ever since and stands alone as the best pure shit talker in the world today.
Quotables: "Your's is fake! Mine's is real!" (in reference to a fan with a World Heavyweight Championship replica belt), "You must have forgotten that you just got back from a vacation that I afforded you!" (to the Big Show, who had just challenged him for his world title), "If I wanted to dance, I'd get a date." (in mockery of The Great Khali).
9. Dusty Rhodes - The most charismatic of the men on this list, "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes had more panache than any other talker in history. His distinct voice and mannerisms only added to the unique blend of intensity and sharpness behind his promos.
Quotables: "I've wined and dined with kings and queens, and I've sat in alleys eatin' pork n beans." (explaining his life experience), "Hard times are when a man is workin' a job thirty years! Thirty years! They give him a watch, kick him in the butt, and say, "Hey, a computer took your place, daddy." That's hard times!" (to Ric Flair during his famous "hard times" promo).
8. Steve Austin - No other wrestler had a better blend of originality, marketability and believability in their promo work than "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. And he's created more memorable moments than nearly any other wrestling personality as a result.
Quotables: "You got your little beady eyes locked on the eyes of THE WORLD'S TOUGHEST SON-OF-A-BITCH!" (providing an answer to Mike Tyson's famous "baddest man on the planet" moniker), "Austin 3:16 says I just whipped your ass!" (mocking Jake Roberts' penchant for quoting the bible).
7. Chris Jericho - Y2J has been one of the most consistently entertaining promo men of all time, but it's his 2008-2010 heel run that provided me with some of my favorite quotes. His slow cadence and highly intelligent one liners annoyed the WWE Universe, but to me, he was brilliant. I knew I was watching a master at work.
Quotables: "You want to know why I don't wear a mask? Because I'm an honest man." (insulting Rey Mysterio), "You're all a bunch of ignorant, insipid, bulbous parasites." (insulting the WWE Universe), "I'm the best in the world at what I do." (more a declaration of truth than an actual catchphrase).
6. Dean Ambrose - Already one of my favorite promo men in the world today, Ambrose is the kind of heel that can captivate you with even the harshest and most crass of words. He's like The Joker in The Dark Knight. You know something terrible is about to happen whenever he speaks, but you just can't look away.
Quotables: “I feel good, I’ve hit a threshold I think. I cant feel anything.. *Stapleguns own leg* OW! … okay, I still feel.” (an expression of Ambrose's insanity), “Every time you’re a 9, I’m a 10. If you’re a King, I’m an Ace. I’m always just a little bit better than you and I’m going to be tonight, and that's the worst pain I could ever inflict on you.” (humbling Drake Younger).
5. The Rock - The Great One may not be as great anymore, but in his prime he was the single most quotable shit talker in an era full of them. His penchant for humiliating his opponents all the while putting his matches over is something that is unrivaled to this very day.
Quotables: "It doesn't matter what your name is!" (often used to interrupt opponents), "If you Smeelllllllll, what The Rock is cookin." (most famous catchphrase), "What are you going to do Hamburglar? Throw some Chicken McNuggets at The Rock?" (insulting Shane "Hurricane" Helms).
4. Jake Roberts - Roberts' cold, calculating persona made him one of the most captivating speakers in professional wrestling. He had a level of dark charisma that rivals the most famous of cult leaders and he spoke with more conviction than anyone on this list.
Quotables: "Chicken, rodents.....small children." (to Mean Gean who asked what snake's normally eat), "Miserable is a good thing though. If you start the day miserable, nobody else can screw up your day." (in defense of his general mood), "If a man has enough power he can speak softly and everyone will listen." (explaining why he's hesitant to yell in promos like everyone else).
3. Ric Flair - The limousine ridin', jet flyin', kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', son-of-a-gun is the greatest arrogant heel there ever was. He is unmatched in his confidence and ability to get himself over as the best wrestler alive.
Quotables: "I spent more money, on spilled liquor, in bars from one side of this world to the other, than you made!", "To be the man, you gotta beat the man.", "Space Mountain may be the oldest ride in the park, but it's still got the longest line." (all signature Flair braggadocio).
2. CM Punk - A lot of you may say I've got him ranked too high, but for me, Punk is on a fast track to being number one. And much like my #1 choice, Punk never had to rely on catchphrases and his promos were always memorable, quotable and unpredictable. Most people never change the channel if he's on the mic.
Quotables: "In anybody else's hands, this is just a microphone. In my hands, it's a pipe bomb." (referencing his promo ability), "I chose honest arrogance over hypocritical humility." (explaining why he turned on the fans), "You're arms are just too short to box with God!" (in an attempt to intimidate The Rock).
1. The Great Khali - I KID! I KID! Read on....
1. Roddy Piper - Hands down, Piper is the best, most unpredictable, yet still reliable mouthpiece the business has ever seen. Most of today's best trash talkers (including our #2 pick, CM Punk) aspire to be as good as Piper was in his heyday, but so few can really compete.
Quotables: "You do not throw rocks at a man who's got a machine gun!" (threatening Andre The Giant), "Just when they think they got the answers, I change the questions." (expressing his confidence in his unpredictability), "Nature Boy, what's that? Do you run around the forest like Euell Gibbons, eating bark or something?" (in mockery of Ric Flair's famous moniker).
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