WWE Monday Night Raw Review: 7/23/2012

"The Greatest trick the Devil ever pulled, was convincing the world he didn't exist"

Here are my thoughts on the historic 1,000th episode of Monday Night Raw:




The opening video package highlighting some of the better moments from the past 999 episodes of Raw was downright chill inducing and was a very welcome trip down memory lane for me.  Many dark days have come and gone, but tuning in to MNR every week has always provided me with a two hour escape from the madness that we call life.  As a result, I began a lifelong infatuation with pro wrestling and more importantly, the WWE.  I damn near had tears in my eyes before the show even started (RIP Eddie Guerrero) and what better way to follow such an amazing video than the appearance of the mad genius behind it all, Vinnie Mac!

In an attempt to make Raw 1000 even more momentous, Vince finally found a suit that fits

In all seriousness, Vince McMahon gets a well deserved "thank you" chant from the audience and decides to waste no further time leading us into our first segment of the night.

Segment 1: BREAK IT DOWN!

Wow.  This might be the hardest I've marked out for DX since Shawn and Hunter first reunited back in 2006.  *Chills*  The mere presence of HBK and The Game alone are enough to send the crowd into a frenzy, but for once, they aren't the coolest guys in school anymore, no ladies and gents that award goes to these men....

Fuck, THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!

God damn man it's been far too long since we've seen the New Age Outlaws on Monday nights!  I can barely put into words how mindless I became as I leaped to my feet with the rest of the DX Army for how cool it was to see all five of these walking charisma machines perform the signature DX crotch chop and run through all of their famous catch phrases.  Damien Sandow got a good rub here also, being that he was the perfect person to interrupt the group and further establish himself as the WWE's resident "party pooper".  It was a fantastic moment for everyone involved.  This was pure fun and that's what DX was always all about.  I feel terribly sorry for anyone who missed this.  Just the most exciting opener of 2012 thus far.  And if you're not down with that....well, you know the rest.


Segment Rating: *****

Match 1:: Six Man Tag Team match: Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara & World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus vs. Chris Jericho, Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio

Good Ol' JR is on hand to call the action for this match.  Unfortunately, there wasn't much to call.  Just a quick match to throw in the rest of the guys they wanted to showcase, but did not have anything particularly interesting for them planned.  At least Dolph Ziggler got a bit of a rub here by costing Chris Jericho another win and further continuing their feud.  Other than that, this isn't anything anyone will remember.


Winners: Sheamus, Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara

Match Rating: N/A



So apparently the WWE has invited a HUGE special guest tonight

"Yes ladies and gentleman, Satan's personal ambassador is here via Skype!!!"  Didn't know they had Skype in HELL

Satan would like say congrats to the WWE for 1,000 episodes of Raw.  He also apologized for not being around much, but he's been too busy running IMPACT WRESTLING.  ZING!



Just when you thought things couldn't get anymore ridiculous, we were then redirected backstage with a slew of legends (R-Truth and Piper playing Double Dutch with Little Jimmy ruled) including a true MNR icon Mark "The Hand" Henry Jr!

It seems he forgot his "Hall of Pain" T-shirt.  Don't worry, Big Show has to have a glove lying around somewhere

Match 2: Jack Swagger vs. Brodus Clay

Same thing as always as far as the action goes.  The best part of this whole segment, was the presence of Dude Love.  I know most people (myself included) would rather have seen an appearance by Mankind, but let's face it, Mick is better suited in this role at this point. 


Winner: Brodus Clay

Match Rating: N/R



Backstage, we get a cool tease of a now infamous moment between Triple H and Trish Stratus.  It was a welcome addition to the show.  Well, that is until X-Pac doing his best Butt-head impression, arrived and totally creeped Trish the fuck out

 "Uh.....hey baby.....uhuhuhuhuhuhuh"

Segment 2: I now pronounce you Man and.....GM?

It's a bit awkward that absolutely NO audience member even knows who Slick is, but I found him incredibly entertaining here.  As per usual with WWE Weddings, this turned out to be a surprising and heartbreaking affair.  More importantly, it gave D-Bry and AJ one of the more memorable moments in their careers.  Slick's facial expressions were pure comedy, but the award for Facial Expression of the Night has to go to Daniel Bryan, who sold the brilliant turn of AJ as General Manager with what is perhaps, the greatest "rage face" I have ever seen

NO! NO! NO!

I know most of the IWC will shit on this entire segment, but I enjoyed it.  Daniel Bryan added much more dimension to his character in this moment alone than he did throughout the rest of 2012 thus far, AJ as GM should provide many a memorable segment and Slick was the most entertaining part of a WWE Wedding ever.  Win segment by my standards.


Segment Rating: ****

Segment 3: THAT DOESN'T EVEN RHYME!

Daniel Bryan continues to give off his awesome "Groom in the corner of the bar downing a bottle of Jack because he got stood up at the alter" vibe, and it's a load of fun to watch.  CM Punk arrives to a big pop and rubs the whole thing in Daniel's face.  Daniel claims he is the greatest of all time, prompting the arrival of The Rock to an even BIGGER pop.  Rock puts Punk over huge here.  He even acknowledges that he is the best, but the person who got the most out of this segment was Bryan.  Seeing him trade barbs with Rocky was just surreal.  The dynamic between Rock and Bryan is hard to put into words.  It's like watching Will Smith film a scene with Daniel-Day Lewis.  Artistic credibility meeting entertainment value.  In short, it was brilliant booking.  To Bryan's credit, as small and insignificant as he appears to be standing next to The Great One, he is just as large in ring presence.  You may not know it yet, but even though it looks like he had to eat shit and like the taste of it tonight, Daniel Bryan was the most compelling part of the show up until now. 


Segment Rating: ****

Daniel Bryan: "It doesn't matter what you're name is!"

Match 3:: Intercontinental Championship match: Christian(c) vs The Miz

Bret Hart was the guest announcer for this match and given his significance to the title, he is the best living choice.  I thought that Bret announcing Miz as if he was still holding a grudge from 2010 (ladies and gentleman CHRISTIAN!!! vs......The Miz.) was just hilarious.  The match itself won't be considered amongst either man's best, but it was still solid.  Christian has done a fantastic job with the belt, but I believe him dropping the title to Miz was the right move.  The Miz and the IC title need each other at this point.

The Miz' IC reign should be for lack of a better word, awesome

Winner and NEW Intercontinental Champion: The Miz

Match Rating: ***

Segment 4: LESNAR AND TRIPLE H!  LESNAR AND TRIPLE H!  MY GAWD! 

The buildup of this match has gotten infinitely more fascinating with the presence of Paul Heyman.  Through Heyman and HHH, the WWE has established a genius new method of storytelling.  These two guys can talk everyone into the building, while Brock could just show up looking like a badass and throw fists.  I also marked out for Stephanie McMahon and rightfully so, the Billion Dollar Princess was money on the stick tonight.  If you weren't sold on their Summerslam match by now, watch this segment.  Top to bottom, it was the best segment of the night and a master class in how to build hype for a big time match.


Segment Rating: *****



On an unrelated side note, am I the only one who nerded out for some exclusive footage of WWE 13?

Match 4: Heath Slater vs. LITA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you couldn't tell by the parade of exclamation points, I love me some Lita. 

Shown: The cause for the YES! chant in my pants

Cool to see the APA as well, along with the group of legends Slater has interacted with in the past couple of months.  This was a great payoff and the best use of Ron Simmons' "DAMN!" catchphrase to date.


Winner: Lita

Match Rating: N/R

Various Legends: "Hip Hip, HOORAY!"  Bob Backlund: "DAT ASS!"

I know the rest of the Internet is more than likely on fire about the treatment of Daniel Bryan and you can say what you want about him being "buried", but Bryan's backstage promo marks his third major appearance of the night.  It was a good one too.



As if we needed any more reason to be on the edge of our seats, The Rock's quick interaction with John Cena was a great way to add more suspense to an already historic main event.

Segment 5: The Brothers of Destruction vs. The Jobber Justice League

Kane was threatened by a bunch of fed up job monkeys and I honestly think he could have taken them all alone, but he wont have to because The Undertaker has his back

Shown: The definition of a Living Legend

The Phenom arrives to the biggest reaction of the night and along with Kane, he makes very easy work of the united jobbers.  There was nothing more that needed to be done here.  Taker's presence alone is an event unto itself at this point.  He then strikes his iconic pose with his brother Kane by his side.  A classic moment by anyone's standards.


Segment Rating: ****



The horns are blazing, John Cena is on his way down the ramp, history is about to be made, signaling that it is now time for our

MAIN EVENT

Match 5:: WWE Championship match: CM Punk(c) vs. John Cena III

OK.  I am going to attempt to do justice to one of the most brilliant finishes to an episode of Monday Night Raw ever.  But first, let's talk about the match itself.  The ring work was as good as it was expected to be and I think it's safe to say that Punk/Cena is what everyone wanted Cena/Orton and Cena/Batista to be.  Not since Austin vs. The Rock, has there been a more compelling trilogy of matches involving the top two stars of the company.  This match captured the same magic that made this rivalry so special last summer.  The crowd was on fire and it gave the match an Attitude Era-esque feel.  A real throwback to the days when a Raw main event seemed like the most important pro wrestling related segment of the week.  It's also interesting to note how much everything has come full circle since this time last year.  With Punk, Cena and The Rock all entangled to create the most memorable ending to an episode of ANY pro wrestling show since Punk's first infamous "pipe bomb".  After an exciting back and forth match where neither competitor ever really seemed to have the upper hand, we have a pair of run-ins by Big Show, who then causes the match to end in a disqualification.   Punk again makes history by becoming the first champion to fend off a MITB winner.  With this moment included, Punk's reign is now cemented as one of the greatest of all time and it's not even up for argument anymore.  There was some amazing character work done by Punk here as well.  He showed a wide range of conflicting emotions in choosing whether or not to try and get the win over Cena after Big Show's first attack.  But that's where things just begin to get good.  Post match, Show continues to beat Cena down.  Punk for no real reason, chooses not to aid Cena and instead begins to leave.  Just when there appears to be no hope The Rock runs in for the save.  The Great One hits Big Show with a spine buster and is breathing electricity as he prepares to hit the giant with The People's Elbow.


The crowd is on FIRE


Rock kicks the arm of Big Show, beats his chest runs the first set of ropes, leaps over Show's prone body runs the second set and--

BOOM! 


CLOTHESLINE FROM PUNK!!!  Was this intentional?  Is there sweat in Punk's eye?   Not to leave anyone confused as to if Punk knew who he was attacking, the champ hits The Rock with the GTS and stands tall over two of the biggest icons in the history of the business.  I think it's safe to say Punk is tired of being overshadowed by everyone else.  He made a hell of a statement tonight.  My name is CM Punk.  I am the WWE champion.  I am the Best In The World.  The Summer of Punk II has begun.  To be continued....


Winner: John Cena by DQ

Match Rating: ***

Best. In. The. World.

Final Thoughts


Just an outstanding effort by the WWE.  They threw everything they could at us tonight and I left thoroughly satisfied and entertained.  Any minor complaints were far outweighed by the mark out value of the entire show.  If you have any major gripes with it as a whole, it probably means you won't ever be able to find anything in the WWE interesting and I feel sorry for you.  It was that good. 


Oh, but I do have to ask one thing...


Where the fuck was Stone Cold Steve Austin???


Overall episode rating: 10/10 (CLASSIC)