Here are my thoughts on the 996th episode of Raw:
We open the show with a very Fatal Attraction-esque monologue by AJ. She at first appears to be breaking things off with Daniel Bryan, Kane and CM Punk all at once, but as things unfold, it becomes pretty obvious that she is indeed, talking to herself. The whole thing was over the top, it was very Hollywood....it was....pretty brilliant. It's pretty awesome to see a diva showcased this much, both opening the show and having a video package pretty much centered around her. AJ is now the most over diva since Mickie James had her initial heel run as the crazy obsessed Trish Stratus fan. The fact that she's involved with the WWE title scene, only increases her value and this segment did wonders for an already impressive turn for the WWE's resident crazy chick.
Crazy or not, it's damn compelling television
Match 1:: Three Way Elimination match: WWE Champion CM Punk vs. Kane vs. Daniel Bryan
In a surprisingly good move by this week's GM Vickie Guerrero(who had a tremendous amount of heat), we get a rematch of the great WWE title match from No Way Out. I can't say much more about how much I love the chemistry between all three men, but I'm glad that we appear to be shifting focus back on to Punk and Bryan alone. There is just too much more ground to cover between these two and the WWE Universe has been clamoring for another big PPV match since their five star classic at OTL. This match was a terrific sendoff to the three way feud however, and it was uniquely interesting adding the elimination stip to what would have already been a great contest. One would assume that since Daniel Bryan picked up the win here, that he rightfully became the number one contender for Punk's WWE Championship. It would have been nice if they made note of this, but it's not a major flub. Speaking of Punk's 219+ day reign, you would have to assume that management is fully behind building Punk as "the man" given how much praise Cole has been heaping on his run lately. A move that obviously seems to come from Triple H or Vince himself. As far as the match goes, in many ways, it was more smooth then their PPV match, but told a very similar story. Thankfully, the story works very well. I have to note that I LOVED the parts of the match where Bryan and Punk work together. One could only imagine what could be done for the tag division if these two were to team up once Punk's WWE title run is over. Talk about legitimacy. There are no two men more legit (well...maybe Lesnar) than these two in the company right now. Their hunger and intensity is infectious and it's a joy to watch them work. The only thing that worries me, is where Kane goes from here. I mean being a former WWE Champ, he now will be inserted in to the WWE Championship MITB match, but then what? I guess we'll just have to wait and see, but for now we were left with one hell of an opener. Even if the ending was a bit rushed.
Match Rating: ***1/4
Backstage, Alberto Del Rio is trying to woo Vickie into giving him a World Heavyweight Championship match.
Judging by Vickie's face, there's only ONE way he'll be able to do it
Dolph Ziggler arrives and points out the fact that he stepped in when Berto got injured and stole the show. No argument from me. I found this whole thing to be a bit stupid. Dolph, being Vickie's client, should have gotten the Lion's share of opportunities, with her being in power this week. This came off as a complete oversight to me.
Match 2: Big Show vs. Brodus Clay
Finally the ridiculous win streak Brodus Clay was on has come to an end. That alone, made this match work for me. Still, I would have rather Show just destroyed Clay, but that's more out of personal satisfaction then anything else. Show still looks like a dangerous opponent, but unless he wins the MITB ladder match, I don't think I will have much more interest.
Match Rating: **
Back from commercial, we find out that Brock Lesnar will be here next week to answer Triple H's challenge.
Surely, you can't miss this!
We also have a brief backstage segment in which Kane breaks things off with AJ. She then begins to cry and then laugh hysterically, as she apparently is now happy he saved her the time.
Match 3:: United States Championship match: Santino Marella(c) vs. Jack Swagger
Sigh.....for the first time in over a year, I found myself strongly behind Jack Swagger. I can't believe they've even kept the title on Marella this long. Perhaps it's a bit of a reward for being the butt of so many jokes over the years, but dammit, I've had enough of this crap. Swagger is now being demoted back to jobber status as the reign of ridiculousness continues. THIS JUST IN!! I have confirmation that we've been granted an exclusive photo of Swagger's reaction after losing to Marella again:
Pictured: Jack Swagger's head exploding
Match Rating: **
Segment 1: John Cena makes history and Jericho makes me shit myself
Sooooooooooo John Cena's history making announcement is what exactly? That he'll be in this year's MITB ladder match!? Yipeeeeee. But was he seriously using Star Wars references? I admit it, I chuckled once or twice, but seriously? Just as I was about to change the channel, I heard a familiar phrase. One that almost always immediately sends my excitement level from a John Laurinaitis marathon to a Rosa Mendes sex tape.
BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!!!!!
Yes ladies and marks, Marty McFly has arrived from the future, and he has some words for John Cena
I had somehow completely forgotten that Jericho was supposed to return tonight. I popped as hard as I did when he initially returned this year as a result. Don't ask me why. It could have been because Cena's promo was so lame or more likely because I had been going through a 30 day Y2J withdrawal. Whatever the reason, it doesn't change the fact that Jericho was just great here. He also plans to enter himself into the MITB ladder match, thus leading to the arrival of GM Vickie Guerrero. Guerrero is here to announce that only former WWE Champions can participate in the WWE Championship ladder match. So far, the announced participants are Cena, Jericho, Big Show and Kane. That should be one hell of a match, even if it kind of shits on many of the up and coming talent. There's always the World title ladder match. I find this concept to be a refreshing change of course and look forward to seeing how things play out. For the record, I'm Team Jericho. We also now have our main event for the evening. John Cena vs. Chris Jericho for the first time in years!
Segment Rating: ***
Match 4: Heath Slater vs. Sycho Sid
Sid looks hideously creepy....in other words, he looks great for his age
This was another legend squash meant to give the audience a taste of nostalgia heading into the 1000th episode of Raw. Works for me. I for one, have been getting a kick out of these segments every week. Heath Slater has now become the perfect person for the job. It's a shitty job, but it's pretty cool to mix it up with legends every week, so there's gotta be a mark out factor in it for him.
Match Rating: **
Match 5:: Contract on a Pole match to determine the #1 Contender for the World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler
I'm loving the unique stipulations to the matches tonight. It made for much more compelling contests and some great storytelling was done here. It seems that Alberto Del Rio will more than likely have his match with Sheamus at the MITB PPV, but I personally was more on board with Dolph getting another shot. I thoroughly enjoyed this match and I found it to be very exciting. Dolph can make anything work but Del Rio is no slouch either. My only gripe with this match was the finish. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to the triple threat match for the world title this Friday, but I felt it spoils everything a bit as things have now become much more predictable. We obviously know that Sheamus will more than likely walk out still champion and it pretty much made this entire segment a waste. Still, it was a hell of a lot of fun while it lasted. Alberto will probably find another way to become number one contender and hopefully this means Dolph Ziggler is in line to participate (and win) the World Championship MITB ladder match. We shall have to see.
Match Rating: ***1/4
So the WWE Universe thinks that AJ should be with CM Punk....that's cool, but was a three way gangbang really an option????!!!
Match 6: Divas Summertime Bikini (YES!) Beach Battle Royal
First off, I'd like to thank the wonderful writer who seems to have read my Sex Sells article. BIKINIS have made their triumphant return to Monday Night Raw!!!!
Rosa Mendes + AJ + Bikinis= A party in my pants
That is until Vickie decided to invite herself
I have no idea what's under that robe, but I'm pretty sure they could give it to those guys who've had an erection longer then four hours due to a bad Viagra trip
This segment did not do much for anyone I'm sure, but are you really going to argue with AJ winning and then doing the "YES!" chant in her bikini?
Ironically this was also my reaction
Match Rating: YES! YES! YES!
The lights have gone out, the Walls begin to break down, signaling that it is now time for our
MAIN EVENT
Match 7: Chris Jericho vs. John Cena
This was a solid main event and it was great to see Jericho back in the ring. Cena also has wrestled in very few serious matches since Wrestlemania, so it goes a bit both ways. These two have always had a very unique chemistry together and they turned out another good match with Jericho finding many inventive ways to counter some of Cena's most famous maneuvers. Though again, the WWE has ruined another match just as it was getting good by having a superstar run interference. I did mark out a bit at the slight tease of a Jeri-Show reunion, but the whole thing was a bit annoying. Good match, annoying finish that could've benefited better as a post match assault, but I guess no one looks weak this way and that's the only positive.
Match Rating: ***
Final thoughts: This was pretty much standard fare as far as Raw goes. There was some solid action, but most of the endings were booked poorly. The good news is we now have Cena/Jericho/Show/Kane in a ladder match and Daniel Bryan vs. CM Punk for the WWE title announced for MITB, which now looks to be another promising PPV.
Overall episode rating: 6.5/10
What to watch if you DVR'd the episode: The triple threat match was the best match of the night. If you're a Sid fan, you didn't miss much, but you can take a look at that match. The Cena/Jericho promo was well done. The real highlight of the night was the Divas bikini battle royal....for...obvious reasons. Other than that, nothing too memorable.
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